what age is appropriate for a child to attend a funeral
My co-worker�due south seven-yr-sometime son was devastated when his grandfather died. Kyle had been very close to his grandfather, who used to requite him enough of hugs and affectionate little pats on the arm. Kyle said he wanted to become to the visitation at the funeral home. When he got in that location, he walked right up to the casket without hesitation and patted his grandad on the arm, just as Granddaddy had washed to him and then many times before.
Getting Started
Parents frequently wonder whether they should include their child in the funeral and burial services when a friend or relative dies. They worry that their child may exist too little to understand, or that seeing the body will be besides traumatic.
Clinical psychologist Lyn Sontag insists, even so, that "children should be included accordingly in all family unit grieving rituals. Death is part of life, and grief is part of the human emotional spectrum. Funeral rites are for the living to process the expiry and say skilful-bye. For kids to be shut out is wrong and potentially damaging."
Excluding your child from the funeral tin make her feel that she is not a real part of the family, and that her feelings about the death somehow don�t count. Including her, on the other mitt, gives her the opportunity to grieve and begin to let get, within the comforting arms of family and friends. The fundamental to making funeral services a positive, meaningful, and healing experience for a child is preparation.
The visitation
As much as possible, let your child know exactly what to expect from the funeral rituals your family will attend. Talk most what the service or ritual signifies: that information technology is an opportunity for those who knew and loved the deceased to support and comfort each other in their sadness. It is a chance to honor that person�southward life- to remember and tell stories, to express mirth and to cry.
If you will be attending a wake with an open catafalque, describe to your kid what the funeral dwelling house looks like, particularly the room where the casket volition exist. Tell him that many people transport flower arrangements to express their sympathy to the family unit and to gloat the beauty of the person�s life. Explicate the body of the person volition be there, in a special box called a casket, but that y'all volition only be able to come across the upper portion of the body.
Be sure to set up your child for the appearance of the trunk: The trunk volition be specially "fabricated upwards" and the person may seem younger than before. The torso volition be very still, not breathing, considering information technology isn�t working anymore. And it will be firm and cold to the touch. Don�t insist that your child touch the body or "buss Grandma," as this tin can be traumatic for a kid, who is accustomed to a living, breathing, warm and cuddly Grandma.
Talk most what to wear and how to behave. If the deceased person is firsthand family, tell your kid that people may say, "I�1000 sorry," and that a suitable response is "Thanks."
Tell your kid this is a good fourth dimension for us to say a last expert-bye in our hearts to our loved 1: to tell Aunt Sissy how much we love her and will miss her, or how lamentable we are for something we regret, or to say a prayer for her.
Be sure to arrange for an adult to expect after your child- someone not immediately involved in the funeral, who understands kids� needs and their thresholds of boredom and fatigue. This developed can take your kid out for a break or a walk if he becomes overwhelmed, tired, or distracted.
If your child doesn�t want to attend the funeral services, meet if you tin determine why. Y'all may be able to uncover some unrealistic fears or fantasies which y'all can dispel through uncomplicated explanation. If your child still adamantly refuses to go, however, requite him the option of staying home with a friend or a trusted sitter.
Including children in funeral rites helps them to accept the reality of death and begin the procedure of letting get. This is especially of import for younger children, who may await the deceased person to come up walking through the door at any time, or may continue to search or await for that person.
If at that place is to be a church ceremony, go over the readings ahead of time and explain the significance of the various parts of the service. This will help your kid pay attention and get more out of the service.
Talk with your child about the need to bury the torso, and discuss the elements of the burying service of your organized religion tradition- for example, the procession, the prayers or blessings, throwing on a handful of clay, the lowering of the casket.
If the body is to exist cremated, and the child was very close to the deceased, try to arrange to spend some time with the body before cremation. Talk most the cremation procedure and how this doesn�t injure the body, which can no longer experience whatsoever pain.
Encourage participation
As much every bit possible, let your child be a part of the funeral services. She might want to create a cartoon or poem to place on a table set aside for photos and memorabilia. She could propose one of the songs, or do one of the readings or prayers at the liturgy. She could place a flower on the catafalque during the burial service.
Preparing your child to attend a�
 | F irst, let your kid know exactly what to expect. |
| | U nderstand any reluctance, and talk most information technology. |
| | N ever force your child to attend if she refuses. |
| | E xplain the significance of the diverse rituals. |
| | R einforce your beliefs about life after death. |
| | A llow her to participate in the services. |
| | L et her visit the cemetery during the next year. |
Some children want to place good-bye notes or photos into the catafalque before information technology is airtight, a healthy way of keeping a sense of beloved and connectedness. One girl whose begetter had died of cancer tucked her teddy bear in with him. Some other child, whose father had been very active in his sports programs, placed a prized trophy into the catafalque.
Sometime during the year after the death, advise a visit to the cemetery. Programme in advance to take flowers or a note or some other meaningful object to place on the grave. Ask your kid how she felt virtually visiting the grave and whether she would like to practise so again in the future.
Dealing with feelings and sharing behavior
Kyle had dozens of questions arising from the death and the funeral, ranging from "What happens to our bodies afterwards we die?" to "Where is heaven?" to "Why do bad things happen?" to "Volition I ever meet Granddaddy once again?" His parents have answered the questions they can, asked for assist with the answers they don�t know, and, in some cases, have said but, "We don�t know."
Funeral rituals are wonderful springboards to discussions about your beliefs related to life, expiry, and the afterlife. Since there are abstruse concepts involved, be sure to ask your child questions to determine his level of understanding: "What is your thought of sky?" "What do you recall happened when Uncle Eddie died?"
A word to the wise
At the aforementioned time as you are searching for the right words and the best manner to introduce your child to funeral services, be attuned to what other people may be telling your kid.
Beware of ideas such as, "God loved your mother so much, he took her to sky." This may seem to imply that Mom�south family on globe didn�t beloved her enough. Even seemingly harmless expressions, such as, "She�s meliorate off now," can confuse a kid who can�t imagine that at that place�s anything "better" well-nigh being dead.
Ages viii-12
Be particularly attentive to your older child�s security needs. He is not a "fiddling kid" and so feels funny about crying or clinging or sitting on your lap. Only he is not still a "sophisticated," self-sufficient teen. Discover historic period-advisable ways of giving him love, support, and reassurance.
Bringing It Home
In reaching out to pat his grandpa�due south arm, Kyle knew instinctively: there is something that can reach beyond the chasm betwixt life and death, something that ties u.s.a. forever to those who have died- and that thing is love. This is what we celebrate and think in our funeral services.
Assistance!
Books: The Grieving Child: A Parent�s Guide by Helen Fitzgerald, New York, Fireside, 1992. How Do We Tell the Children? A Stride-by-Step Guide for Helping Children Two to Teen Cope When Someone Dies by Dan Schaefer and Christine Lyons, New York, Newmarket Press, 1993. Tell Me, Papa: A Family unit Book for Children�due south Questions About Expiry and Funerals past Joy Johnson and Marvin Johnson, Centering Corporation, Omaha, 1978. For younger kids: Sad Isn�t Bad: A Skilful-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing With Loss past Michaelene Mundy, St. Meinrad, Indiana, Abbey Press, 1998.
Source: http://www.freitagfuneralhome.com/publications/talking-with-kids.htm
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